From the beginning, I’m used to being mistreated. My father was abusive towards my mother and whipped us as children. His bipolar illness gradually got better but the rest of my encounters with people only enhanced the emotional pain I felt. I moved towns at eleven years old and became a pit of darkness for many years to come. A skin disease, psoriasis, also became prominent on my body, causing intense feelings of hatred and disgust towards myself. Self-esteem was already low due to my father’s constant ‘jokes’ about being fat and ugly, now it dwindled to nothing. I drank a lot, smoked weed a lot, took pills, self harmed, and eventually went through a year of not eating. During this phase I got so drunk at a party, I was ‘taken advantage of’ by a guy i thought was a close friend and unwillingly had my virginity taken from me. This only caused me to get farther into the hole. The two main relationships of my life, back to back of one another, consisted of drugs, lies, emotional and mental instability, manipulation, and a lot of pain. At 18 I finally reached a place where I stopped drinking, smoking, and wallowing only to come across a new relationship with someone I’d known in elementary school before I moved. He was my best friend then. We met up, went too fast and he is now the father of my son. Before I was a couple weeks pregnant he showed new colors of instability and manipulation. Harassment, more manipulation, and mental games ensued through texts and calls after I kicked him out of my house. My mother told me things like I’m going to have my child taken from me if i don’t make up with him, or I’m ruining my son’s future. After five years of constant relationships, I was alone in my hormones and preparing for a child. I began a relationship with a recent ex out of fear of being alone, and in the end only hurt myself more by letting in a toxic person again. The amount of hysteria, fear, stress and abandonment I felt during my pregnancy left me with a trauma I never knew I’d have. Two years later and I don’t believe i will ever want to go through pregnancy again.
Recently I was told I am on the Borderline Personality Disorder spectrum, a disorder normally derived from a traumatic upbringing. After learning about it, I can see the symptoms had begun early on in my teenage years and explained much of what I went through, how I felt, how I reacted, and continues to do so now. The knowledge has brought me to a much better place of understanding. I’ve learned to cope with my past and reached out in online support groups. Things will never be as bad as they were.
A single mom in a home she wishes she could leave, with an array of emotional damage and mental instability, living solely for the little boy she loves more than herself; This is who I am. 💜