Oh, my babies. Avery, Zara, Icelyn, Maci and Clarke:
“No matter how long it’s been there are still times when I think of you and suddenly it gets harder to breathe.”
This is the perfect exemplification of how I feel about you… It’s been too long since I’ve seen you and forever won’t be long enough to heal from the pain I feel from losing you. There are times in my life where I feel you there with me or even times where I just wish you were there to savor the moment with me. Both of those instances cause me to lose my breath. I miss you and as every year passes I can’t help but count all of the milestones that I’ve been missing out on with you. Your first words, steps, day of school…the phases of what you want to be when you grow up…trying to wiggle my way out of all of the tough why questions. I know I’m missing out on so much without you and that haunts me everyday, but I hope heaven is for real and that you’re there with God and other lost babies and that you’re having the time of your lives. I can’t say I’ll regret you missing out on all the pain our world can cause innocent little angels like you, so I guess I can be thankful for that. I miss you always and I hope you’re growing big and strong.
P.S. I tried to type mom, but had one of those moments where I was like “NOOOO, you’re not old enough to transition to Mom yet…I still have to be mommy.”
When you lose a child you lose a piece of yourself that can’t be replaced. I’ve lost five precious pieces of myself and I don’t ever plan on trying to fill those places. As I’ve considered having children in the future, I’ve been very careful to survey my intentions. Why am I wanting a baby? Is it because I’m lonely? Is it because I want to replace the missing pieces? Is it because it might make the pain a little less? One day I will have more babies, and I can’t wait…but I want to do it for the right reasons. I’m still learning how to be one of those “mom of an angel” people and I’m not really sure how I feel about it or if you ever heal from that kind of loss, but all that I know is that I miss them… I miss them like I would miss oxygen if I held my breath. It’s supposedly an essential part of surviving, yet somehow I’m surviving without my oxygen.