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This has always been such a struggle for me; I went back and forth about this for months before I was finally able to make up my mind. For the longest time I felt like I couldn’t move on and heal without knowing the full extent of my abuse and trauma. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my plan for healing was actually destroying me. I was haunted unceasingly by nightmares and flashbacks of what happened to me as a child, but I stuck to my guns and believed that in the end this would help me more than it hurt me. Eventually, I decided that enough was enough and that me having all of that knowledge didn’t necessarily give me the power that I thought it would. I think the saying “knowledge is power” is true, but it can be true in two completely different ways. For example, knowledge can provide a person with power over their circumstances, or knowledge itself can have power over the person who is seeking it. In my case, the latter was true. Most recently, I have been thinking about a set of flashbacks that I have had in the past where some boys I went to high school with raped me on the street. I have been able to identify some of the boys in my flashbacks; however, I have been having a hard time believing this incident in its entirety is even real. Somewhere I feel like it is…and somewhere it’s just so hard to believe. I still see the boys occasionally and I’ve had such an urge to ask some of them if it’s true, not that they would necessarily be truthful, but it would still be something. “The truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unsaid.” 

Love,

💜 Kenzy

 

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