I can’t remember a day when I was younger that I didn’t at least think about suicide. It got really bad when I was in middle school and my family decided to up and move right before my last year before high school. I had a really hard time. I slept a lot, I was made fun of a lot in my new school. Not out right bullying, but to a girl with low self esteem… little comments were everything. And…no one saw me. I constantly tried new things and I was never picked. I didn’t realize at the time what they were but I was starting to develop panic attacks.
I attempted suicide three times that year, my parents still don’t think that’s true. They saw me struggle… a lot of people saw me struggle. All they had to say was…what do you have to be sad for? You are too young to be depressed. You don’t know what depression is. Boy… were they wrong. I feel like I stepped out of the womb in a state of melancholy. I struggle every single day to see the glass half full. It wasn’t until I was in my mid twenties that I started to have days that were bright and cheery. Days where I felt “normal”. Days where suicide didn’t catch my mind. Good days.
I am the biggest advocate for people to acknowledge the way they feel and accept it. You are human. No one can tell you that you are too privileged, too naive, to young, to inexperienced, too anything to feel a particular kind of way. I wanted to join this team to be another voice that makes you feel heard. There have been months where I was doing well to just get out of bed in the morning. To have someone in my life to make me feel heard, loved and understood would have made all the difference then.
You do not have to feel broken. You are not broken. You have these weighty circumstances, whatever they may be, that you have to deal with and that is okay. It’s okay to deal with them every single day. I hope you find a way to deal with them properly and with love and adoration for yourself and all that your life has to give the world.
For a long time it was really difficult for me to even talk about what I had been through, I didn’t think that I deserved to talk about it. I thought I was alone. The pit was so deep I didn’t see any light. That feeling changed me. I worked harder than anyone. I saw things in others that people didn’t see. I gained empathy and encouragement. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are hear to be your advocates. Let us listen.