HI my name is Jason I’m 23 and live in Europe.
When I was 11 I got raped by my older brother multiple times over a year. Nobody ever saw that it happened and I was left to feel like I deserved it. I felt dirty for a very long time and still do if I think about what happened. I felt like I was his dirty used sex toy and nobody would ever love me after what happened. Besides that I have 3 brother who always got my parents time and love. I was always left to do everything by myself. For years I felt so alone. Nobody would turn around to look at me or even ask how I was doing. For a very long time I felt so down and unwanted that I have had the thoughts of killing myself over and over again. Days on end of thinking I had nobody or nothing to live for. I hated myself so much because I had the thought that I asked to be raped and ignored by everybody. That I didn’t belong here no matter how hard I try. The hate for myself had become so much I started to cut myself. I felt like it was my punishment for being who I was and for letting the things happen to me that happened. I wasn’t more than something everybody threw away when they were done.
But when I look back at my life now I’m engaged to my amazing girlfriend who loves me in ways nobody ever did. I do work I love every single day and I’m working on moving to my beautiful girlfriend in the US. The only thing that bothers me sometimes is that even though my family knows what happened to me my brother comes over a lot for dinners or family events.
Honestly when I look back to all the bad things it hurts but I love the girl I’m with now and I can’t wait to leave the bad things behind and move on. I’ve been through a lot over the last 12 years and I’ve felt so lonely but today I wouldn’t wish to be anywhere else but with my girlfriend. I haven’t been suicidal for a long time now and couldn’t imagine wanting to leave the love of my life.
This was my story if you have any questions for me ask away I’m here for you guys. 💜