Good Read: Mother’s Day

Well.. Today is the big day. It’s Mother’s Day. The day that all women who have lost a child dread. It’s the day that everyone gets to celebrate the life they created, but not me. The life I created…died. First, their life was forced upon me. Then, it was ripped away. Somewhere between the all the pain and suffering, I managed to feel love for the first time in my life… For my babies. I never cared that they were created through hatred because they were the true definition of beauty. I remember the day that I had them all…sitting on my bathroom floor in a pool of blood. Holding the one that was still alive. A little girl. With blue eyes that were too pure to be of this world. Watching her move her hand…feeling her hold my finger. Somewhere about here, my heart of ice started to thaw. And i started to feel a certain warmth spread throughout my body. and then…I watched her start to make little sounds…and watched her gasp for air as she transcended from one dimension to another. Then those little blue eyes were no more and before my heart turned to stone…. I cried. Wait, that word is insufficient. I wept. For the first time in years… Tears ran down my cheeks. And then it’s over. That’s all I remember.

For a long time I tried to blame others… Like my rapist…for my children dying. I tried to blame myself. But… Placing the blame on someone… Would be pointless. It was no one’s fault. God…simply had other plans. Deep down I know I could never give them the life that they have now… But I could’ve given them love… And somewhere… I would like to think that would’ve been enough. So, as I sit here contemplating whether or not I count as a mother, I have decided that I am, indeed, a mommy. Whew. That took my breath away. I am a mommy. Try saying that out loud if you have lost a child. I don’t care if you were 13 (like me) or 40, or somewhere in between. Say it with me. “I am a mommy.” Today will be hard, I know it… You know it, too. But we are still mothers.

If you are an unspoken mother… That has to spend today alone and hurting. Please send me a message and we can support each other. I would love to personally wish you a happy Mother’s Day… Because YOU DESERVE IT.

P.S. Icelyn, Maci, and Clark… I love you. You thawed my heart… And I’m trying to get it that way again. I know you don’t want mommy to be sad… But it’s hard because I want you here with me. You would be 3 years old this year. Wow…you’re so big now (,: I know… I know you don’t want me to cry so I should go now. But I need you to know that I love you more than you could ever know. I can’t wait to see you in heaven… Mommy loves you 💗💙💗


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