Hey guys. So today I’m going to post a thought that I have had for a long time but just didn’t have the words to write down. It’s a heavy subject for me, so just… Bear with me. P.s. This is not meant to offend, make someone feel bad, or seem like a rant. This is just what I went through and my feelings about it. Maybe it will even help some of you out there in some way.
I was raped and molested my whole life practically. Let’s just start there. Guys had fooled around with me, but I was truly raped, by a man, for the first time when I was 11 or 12. Honestly, I don’t remember how old I was because I completely shut that part of my life out.
But anyways….In my opinion, women have 3 types of virginity: oral, vaginal, and anal. That means that they have 3 opportunities….3 choices…. 3 chances…. To pick the right guy that will lovingly and gently take your virginity. Now… For me, virginity does not exist in any form, shape, or size. I did not get 3 chances, opportunities, or choices to pick the right man, or to even pick the wrong man for one or two and get it right on the last one. It was, simply, ripped away. If someone asked me the famous question, “If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?”, I would say my virginity. That’s honestly what I want. Sad, isn’t it? I want the one thing that can’t physically be given back to me. I know some of you who are “religious” (I laugh at this word because I am a Christian. I am not religious. BIG DIFFERENCE) will say, “ You have new life, you are born again, you are healed.” But to all my rape victims out there: It doesn’t feel like it most of the time….Does it? It feels like hell. We deal with flashbacks. We deal with feeling disgusting and dirty. We deal with knowing that our innocence was stolen and that there’s nothing we can do about it.
I spent last night contemplating if ending my life would make the flashbacks stop. If suicide would finally let me feel peace inside. Because you know what? I AM TIRED. I am tired of getting raped in my dreams. I am tired of waking up screaming because I can’t escape the series of unfortunate events that is my life. But at the same time, I am tired of missing 2 years of my life (for those of you who don’t understand this, I don’t remember most of my life during those times. I only get flashbacks here and there to fill in some blank seconds). In some points I want to know what he did to me, so I know what I can survive. But in some points, I can’t watch myself be sexually tortured anymore.
I had a flashback last night…. That’s what made me write all of this. Until that time, I was positive because I knew that I had one type of virginity left. Just one. But it was mine. My choice, opportunity, chance to make things right. But here comes my flashback and you know what? He took that type of virginity too, leaving me with no choice, no opportunity, no chance to pick someone special to take my virginity. I watched myself last night as I screamed and cried and literally passed out from the pain that I had to experience during that rape. No, my virginity was never taken nicely. I screamed and cried and threw up and bled.
Girls have been giving up their virginity so easily these days…. Like its unimportant. Honestly, I just think they don’t understand the significance of the choice that they are given. I would do anything to have my choices back….and I’m going to struggle for the rest of my life because I feel insignificant. I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel this way because some man…. Some 40 year old man… Decided that I needed to be HIS at age 12…. And he ripped everything from me. He tortured me. He tried kill me… And sometimes. Sometimes, I wish he’d succeeded.
I tell you this… Not to make you feel bad or anything. I tell you this for 2 reasons: 1. I want you to be thankful for the choices you were given 2. I want you to see that I’m human. I’m not just some anonymous face on the Internet who fakes a smile… Because I feel pain too. Just like everyone else. And I’m still fighting to win this uphill battle. And right now…. I don’t know if I can win.