Growing up my father had a strange sense of humor…

Growing up my father had a strange sense of humor and thought it was fun to tell me things like “you’re ugly” “you’re fat” and comment on the food I ate or if I dressed up he had to put me down instead of complimenting me. When I was a child, I thought it was an inside joke between us, always sending these insults back and forth with each other. But as I got older the harsh words started to stick and became the voice in my head every step of every day. 
The words you tell yourself become increasingly true the longer you say them, making it like an act of conditioning. A dog can be conditioned to sit when told to sit like a human can be conditioned to feel disgust every time they look at themselves. But that also means there is hope to retrain your mind into better thoughts. If we can wake up everyday and say “I hate myself” then we can learn to wake up and say “I will learn to love myself”. That one thought, that one statement, can change everything. The saying “fake it til you make it” plays a huge part in this. We don’t have to feel like what we are saying is true, we just have to pretend it is. And one day there will be that “oh” moment where the mirror no longer reflects flaws and hatred, but instead glows beauty and self love! It’s all about perspective of the mind. This is only an example but it works with other things too! Saying “I will have a good day” or “I will try my best today” can have a large impact as well. 
Don’t let your house become dark and painful to live in because life is long and it’s worth fixing your house so the rest of your time here is the best it can be, both for the sake of you and everyone you love. 💜
With all my love 


This is something we really need to learn…

This is something we really need to learn. Just because things don’t work out the way we wanted them to doesn’t mean it isn’t good.
When I heard that I couldn’t move to America to start my life with my girlfriend I was heart broken but we found a different way and she is moving to me.
It maybe wasn’t the way we wanted it to go but when we thought that it couldn’t be worked out we were so stressed out. Then it worked out. At the moment we didn’t know what to do it just happened.
Never give up. You never know what’s waiting around the corner.💜

I love this…

I love this. We are not who you think we are. 

We’ve all heard opinions others have of us. You’re weird. You’re shy. You’re ugly. You’re poor. Who knows what you’ve heard people say about you. But you are not who they think you are. You know yourself better than anyone. You get to determine who you are. Not someone else. No matter what you hear someone else saying about you, you get to determine the truth behind it. 💜


As dark and brooding as this may seem, I promised I would never lie to you…

As dark and brooding as this may seem, I promised I would never lie to you. You have to understand that these 3 lessons are real and they withstand the test of time. While number 1 is not true 100% of the time, it is about 97% of time. There are a very few who can really SEE you in life, so if you find one of those people then you need to fight for them. Number 2 is true about 99% of the time. If you’re hurting and need help, people usually don’t say anything and people usually don’t go out of their way to encourage you. We all know that. People just don’t say anything when you really need them to. And number 3 is just the sad truth. No one will save you; you have to save yourself. People can’t save other people, people can only save themselves… 💜


I say this probably 5 times a day, haha!  

I say this probably 5 times a day, haha! Every single time I forget to wake up early enough to eat breakfast, or when there’s nothing in my fridge to take for lunch, or when I get confused at work. Sometimes I’ve said it about the big things in life- like when I graduated High School, or when I got married super young, or when I moved to a big city. 
I am not trying to imply that big decisions shouldn’t be thought out. Quite the opposite- I’m saying that whatever obstacles stand in your way you CAN most definitely figure them out no matter how hard it is. Sometimes the calculations happen before, but there are a lot of situations that just need to be figured out along the way. Either is good and fine.
Accept the things you cannot change and figure out the rest- you are totally capable of it, I promise. 
Xoxo, Cindy 💜

Meet The Writer: Lanie

From the beginning, I’m used to being mistreated. My father was abusive towards my mother and whipped us as children. His bipolar illness gradually got better but the rest of my encounters with people only enhanced the emotional pain I felt. I moved towns at eleven years old and became a pit of darkness for many years to come. A skin disease, psoriasis, also became prominent on my body, causing intense feelings of hatred and disgust towards myself. Self-esteem was already low due to my father’s constant ‘jokes’ about being fat and ugly, now it dwindled to nothing. I drank a lot, smoked weed a lot, took pills, self harmed, and eventually went through a year of not eating. During this phase I got so drunk at a party, I was ‘taken advantage of’ by a guy i thought was a close friend and unwillingly had my virginity taken from me. This only caused me to get farther into the hole. The two main relationships of my life, back to back of one another, consisted of drugs, lies, emotional and mental instability, manipulation, and a lot of pain. At 18 I finally reached a place where I stopped drinking, smoking, and wallowing only to come across a new relationship with someone I’d known in elementary school before I moved. He was my best friend then. We met up, went too fast and he is now the father of my son. Before I was a couple weeks pregnant he showed new colors of instability and manipulation. Harassment, more manipulation, and mental games ensued through texts and calls after I kicked him out of my house. My mother told me things like I’m going to have my child taken from me if i don’t make up with him, or I’m ruining my son’s future. After five years of constant relationships, I was alone in my hormones and preparing for a child. I began a relationship with a recent ex out of fear of being alone, and in the end only hurt myself more by letting in a toxic person again. The amount of hysteria, fear, stress and abandonment I felt during my pregnancy left me with a trauma I never knew I’d have. Two years later and I don’t believe i will ever want to go through pregnancy again.

Recently I was told I am on the Borderline Personality Disorder spectrum, a disorder normally derived from a traumatic upbringing. After learning about it, I can see the symptoms had begun early on in my teenage years and explained much of what I went through, how I felt, how I reacted, and continues to do so now. The knowledge has brought me to a much better place of understanding. I’ve learned to cope with my past and reached out in online support groups. Things will never be as bad as they were.
A single mom in a home she wishes she could leave, with an array of emotional damage and mental instability, living solely for the little boy she loves more than herself; This is who I am. 💜